Over the past year, I've had a faithful handful of you become better friends than most real life people. Over the past four months, I've taken comfort in your comments, all about how I don't have to dodge reality on this blog just because it scares people off. About how it is my journal. It was more of one back when only 5 of you were reading it, before I plastered my name and Reboyfriend's all over it because it seemed cheeky to treat the title like a tweet.
I read your input that a journal doesn't talk back, and that anyone who tells me to get over it can eff off (my grandma said the same thing to me in a card, and just like you she spelled out the real word, and it was satisfying and awesome). All of that is the truth.
I've been super scared since the beginning that, in blogging about this, I look like an attention whore or something. But blogging is my therapy, my thing and has been for five years. It was a small soapbox in the broom closet of the Internet that only that five of you really knew or cared about. It felt private. It felt safe - it WAS safe - to say our names, to show our faces.
But still, I worried that all this could be taken wrong. Nobody really knows just how suicidal I was, and have been, and hearing voices of strangers root me on helps. It has made all the difference. I would not be OK if I didn't have the feedback. Literally, I was cognizant of the risk that it looked fame-whorish, and posted it all anyway.
But still, I worried that all this could be taken wrong. Nobody really knows just how suicidal I was, and have been, and hearing voices of strangers root me on helps. It has made all the difference. I would not be OK if I didn't have the feedback. Literally, I was cognizant of the risk that it looked fame-whorish, and posted it all anyway.
I'm constantly cringing at myself. I blurt shit out. I say "fiance" when I should just say boyfriend because people didn't know how serious we were. People have seriously told me they didn't necessarily believe that Rbf actually asked. While that felt like lemon juice on top of blunt-force trauma, I gotta say, why would anyone believe it? OK. We moved in together, got a quarter million dollar home loan together, signed construction contracts, and picked the wedding day. Had the preliminary proposal. But not all of that got out to everyone. He was waiting to make sure I wasn't going to say no. So while it hurts, should I be all that surprised? I'm constantly cringing at myself because it's my nature to do things like blurt shit out and become the queen of TMI. I don't know the difference anymore, between whether something is special and sacred, or if it's sweet to tell on the blog. It's my decision, but I don't really know how to even make those decisions anymore.
That awful day of waiting for news - the worst day of my life - sitting alone in silence at my computer next to my silent phone, with nothing else to do with my hands/eyes/mind while I waited in silence...I turned to my blog. MY BLOG. I asked people to pray.
Was I liveblogging my nightmare? WTF? Is nothing sacred anymore?
I don't feel like I know what that even is. It made perfect sense at the time. Honestly, perfect sense. It might be because I didn't really think they were gone yet, I thought they were hurt and lost in the mountains. Now in retrospect, it just seems ludicrous. In a state of total self-chastizing, I edited it with just news updates from that day, because I felt like such a freak. It wasn't real yet when I wrote it. I still thought they were coming home.
Was I liveblogging my nightmare? WTF? Is nothing sacred anymore?
I don't feel like I know what that even is. It made perfect sense at the time. Honestly, perfect sense. It might be because I didn't really think they were gone yet, I thought they were hurt and lost in the mountains. Now in retrospect, it just seems ludicrous. In a state of total self-chastizing, I edited it with just news updates from that day, because I felt like such a freak. It wasn't real yet when I wrote it. I still thought they were coming home.
I had to read about the first sign of wreckage from the Boise news. I have a B.A. in news editorial Mass Comm, and that's the thing you are always trying to avoid. You can't say that stuff until family has been notified.
Family. They did their job, technically. Nobody ever trained me as a journalist to wait till "girlfriends" had been notified.
Days earlier, RBF was telling me exactly what HE would be doing with all my stuff if I died. "Duh Kir [with a touch of hurt in his voice], it would be MY stuff if you died." He was the executor of my life. He knew it. My mom knew it, my friends knew it. Everyone knew it. Literally two days after this conversation, he died, and I just sat there frozen and alone at my computer like an ancillary part of his secret life while his things just kind of disappeared quietly. He didn't tell his family much about me, and certainly not about our relationship. He didn't even keep Jake in the know. It confuses and infuriates me. And that's when I started with all the Blurting Of Shit.
My mom says when I talked to his family about the whole getting married thing, his mom's face looked ... not shocked, or horrified, or confused, or patronizingly polite, or disbelieving...but somewhere in between them all. And who can blame her? I simply wanted her to feel better about his lifestyle, I wanted her to know he was on the road she wanted him to be on in life. I am convinced my comments only made it worse. Part of me thinks that doomed fishing trip was when Rbf planned on telling his dad and brother the news. Or at least priming them to receive it soon.
I have had to give up my home and my best friend all at once. His friends don't feel like my friends anymore. I ditched my own friends to strengthen ties with his, and sometimes it feels like it was a waste. In the end, my friends have been here for me, while "his" friends have sort of disappeared. Why did I invest so much time getting to know the people in his world when we could have spent it together, enjoying our last few months together? The real answer to that is that I met a handful of other people through him, that have more than compensated for the lost time with Rbf and my own friends. Those new friends - and you know who you are - will be mine for life. I've told them they are akin to family. I thank Jed for them. But I resent the time lost on others who didn't deserve it. Like I said, all those things feel like losses now that he's gone.
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice sounding OK when I actually want to check into a mental institution. Yet I'm sick of the sound of my voice crying when I'm truly exhibiting how I feel. I'm sick of the sound of my thoughts. I'm sick of the sound of silence. I feel like I am in a constant CONSTANT fight with something, not sure what.
I mentally live through our wedding day. I mentally live through our first day home with a new baby. I cry when I hear people talk about fixing up their yards. Reboyfriend promised to plant me trees in the yard of our new house so I'd feel like it was home. I cry when I hear my uncle and his son talk about their Eagle scout stuff. I will never get to sit and hear Rbf and our son dish out pinewood memories they built together.
It's been nearly five months since Rbf's passing, and I am still only beginning to process the true magnitude of what I have lost. Not just in real-time...not just the presence of my best friend at Christmas or my New Year's kiss...but the loss of every day of my future and what it should have been.
I keep it all in, quite often now. It feels like the statute of limitations in the compassion sphere of blogworld (and the real world) may expire soon, and I don't want to be whining when that happens. I don't want to appear to exploit my situation to garner support and a "media blitz" of comfort. But being afraid that it's not OK to fall apart anymore, is taking a toll on me.
And I love him so much. And I miss him tremendously. And he's my best friend; isn't that how it should be?
Thank you for reading, for understanding, and for not telling me to STFU / accusing me of attention-whoring. Or at least for keeping it to yourself. Just thanks. Love to you, because my life really would suck without you.
And now for the daily Picture Of Us That You Didn't Ask To See.
I mentally live through our wedding day. I mentally live through our first day home with a new baby. I cry when I hear people talk about fixing up their yards. Reboyfriend promised to plant me trees in the yard of our new house so I'd feel like it was home. I cry when I hear my uncle and his son talk about their Eagle scout stuff. I will never get to sit and hear Rbf and our son dish out pinewood memories they built together.
It's been nearly five months since Rbf's passing, and I am still only beginning to process the true magnitude of what I have lost. Not just in real-time...not just the presence of my best friend at Christmas or my New Year's kiss...but the loss of every day of my future and what it should have been.
I keep it all in, quite often now. It feels like the statute of limitations in the compassion sphere of blogworld (and the real world) may expire soon, and I don't want to be whining when that happens. I don't want to appear to exploit my situation to garner support and a "media blitz" of comfort. But being afraid that it's not OK to fall apart anymore, is taking a toll on me.
And I love him so much. And I miss him tremendously. And he's my best friend; isn't that how it should be?
Thank you for reading, for understanding, and for not telling me to STFU / accusing me of attention-whoring. Or at least for keeping it to yourself. Just thanks. Love to you, because my life really would suck without you.
And now for the daily Picture Of Us That You Didn't Ask To See.
Hi. I'm up late, because I couldn't sleep, due to the fact that my "person" (that's what I call him, because I have no better name) was up playing a geeky computer game until 1 am and I'm retarded and cannot relax and fall asleep without him in bed with me. Let him be gone and I sleep like a baby, but if he is just a room away, I'm incapable of relaxation. I R R I T A T I N G!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSo, I get to be the first to comment on your post. I don't know if you ever read my post about you, but I dedicated an entire blog post to my feelings about what happened. It really did hit me hard and I was shaken, because so much of your life has paralleled my own. What you wrote tonight, reminded me of what I anticipated... the dreadful expiration date on comfort and understanding. I think you can almost feel more alone as time passes than you do in the beginning, because you reach a point where you stop sharing. Shock wears off and reality sets in and you begin to feel self conscious about it still being the focal point of your life.
5 months may seem like a long time looking back, but in terms of a broken heart, it's still very new. I cannot imagine anyone else (who had a functional heart) thinking that a human being can actually move on with the snap of their fingers. It's just not something you can will yourself to do. It just takes time to mend and that mending HURTS. Kind of like physical therapy. It's slow and it is daunting.
I hope that at some point soon, you will accept that it is acceptable, without apology, to share openly how you are feeling at every turn.
We are your loyal readers and we don't want, nor do we expect to see you leaping tall buildings in a single bound. :) You are pretty super just as you are.
You know what you had with him. And it's not like you were some chick he had been dating for 2 weeks. You were living together! What do people think was going on!
ReplyDeleteI think you blogging has been inspirational for so many people. I've never thought you were doing it because you were an attention whore.
I actually had to go the therapy, several years ago, to deal with a scenario like yours. I developed a phobia of something happening to Adam, when he was working as an armored truck driver. I actually wrote out a plan of what I would do if he died.
But the fact that you have been able to persevere, has given me so much hope in the event I have to go through this too.
Don't underestimate yourself or your power.
Kirsten-
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are doing this to whore it. If anything, it is pretty obvious you are just expressing the feelings of mourning. I hope no one has accused you of that, because they are obviously wrong.
I still think about you and this hard thing you are having to live. And I think a normal reaction when loosing someone you love is to want to be there with them.
I was in Idaho when the funeral happened because my Aunt and Uncle live there near where he is from, and I was visiting them. My uncle knew his dad. I think he bought a truck from him. Anyway, I dreamed last night that I took something up for you to put on the grave, which I totally would do. Or bring you with me, so you don't have to go alone. I don't think I will ever be able to go up to my aunts house and not think about you or him (even though I didn't know him).
I appreciate your being real and telling it like it is. Because you are not the only one is who has real and raw feelings.
You know what you are feeling and it is great that you can express it and share it publicly! Keep sharing how you feel, it is how you heel! Love you!
ReplyDeleteYou know, part of why you're so troubled about people thinking you're an attention craving whore is because you think so yourself too. And if you DO think that you're craving attention my writing out here...what's wrong with that? Say you want sympathy,someone to talk to, someone who believes in you, some love and you get it out of blogging, what's the sinful thing about that? That's what blogging is. We all do it to get attention. Our lives or our thoughts need attention...they need feedback. So even if you did do it for that reason, it would be completely okay.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about such things-this is the least you can do for yourself.
Love.
I wouldn't still be here reading every post if I thought you were writing for attention. People who want that kind of attention are very obvious and most of them don't try to garner sympathy or praise in a place like the blogosphere because the "attention" isn't in-their-face immediate enough. And? Your writing is too raw to not be real. No one who was faking it could sear my soul with their words the way that you do.
ReplyDeleteI admit I have been too busy and/or too lazy to comment, but your blog is on my reader and excepting those of my sisters and best friend, yours is always the first one I read. I just need to make sure I read it when I have time to sit down and let you know that I still care and still want you to share your hurt and anguish. Pouring it out does NOT mean you are wallowing. It means you are doing the best you know how to deal with it and to move on in such a way that you don't let those suicidal thoughts get the best of you. We want you here on this earth, Kir. You are valuable to us; even those of us whom you have never met.
I am so sorry you have had to suffer the indignity of disbelief among members of Jed's family. The term "salt in the wound" does not do that pain justice. I hope you will be able at some point to forgive them for not knowing the depth of your feelings for Jed. I hope you will be able to see that much of their reaction must come from the same shock and grief that you are reeling from. Forgiveness will be important for your healing, but no one ever said forgiveness should be easy or an overnight process.
If I get too churchy here, shoot me an email and smack me upside the head, but I feel moved to say the following: It is important to know and remember that the Atonement isn't just for the sinner, Kir. It is also to succor those who have been sinned against or otherwise injured, however unknowingly or unintentionally it may be. I wish I could be there in person to tell you how deep in my soul my knowledge of the Atonement and its power resides. I have had to lean on it far too many times in my life not to know of its reality. When you cannot do it alone, please open your broken heart and allow Christ to pick you up and carry you through this. He is the only one who can truly heal you. I know from my own experience the difficulty of gaining a true testimony of that, but keep at it, Kir. I know I'm not the only one urging you along in this regard.
Can I share a little hope with you? Even in the depths of my worst depressions, even during my time of disbelief and inactivity, there has been something that has buoyed me up. Something that I learned from the time I was a small child, and that is this: I am a child of a Heavenly Father who loves me. As such, I am a being of divine worth. There has always been a still, small voice that has whispered the truth of this to my spirit. No matter how deep my private agony, no matter how quiet that voice has been, it has always been there when I most needed it. You have it, too, Kirsten. Listen for it. I promise you it will be there.
I love you and I love your blog. I love it because it is real. Yours is the first one I go to when I see an update. I hope you never stop. Your writing is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI've read your blog for months now but this is the first time I have commented. Losing someone you love is the hardest thing to ever have to endure. You know what you had and your expressing your loss. You are a strength and inspiration to me. Dont listen to people who tell you other wise! I love your blog and your writing and I hope you never stop.
ReplyDeleteSee, now I read this first thing this morning but sat in my living room thinking, "What could I possible say to that?" Everyone else seems to be doing a bang up job of saying the right things to you, and here I am blathering away about nothing.
ReplyDeleteBut.
I just have to add my voice to those above and say that I have never thought you were whoring it out. I have deeply appreciated how raw and honest you are, because that stuff is freaking painful to write. So painful that during the times where I have felt that way, I was not brave or strong enough to put it into words. And I have not suffered a loss that even approaches what you are dealing with.
I cannot imagine dealing with the grief on top of having to acknowledge that the other people who loved him don't recognize how significant you were to each other. Talk about owie. If any of them are reading your blog, you level of commitment to each other should be screamingly clear.
For what it's worth from another stranger, I devour every single thing you write and have never thought "It's time for her to stop being sad." I hope you feel from your readers that you are being allowed and encouraged to feel whatever you feel for as long as you feel it. You don't have to write anything cheery to keep me reading. Just be real.
You continue to be in my thoughts quite regularly which doesn't make loads of sense to me, but maybe tells me that it's important for me to hear what you have to say.
So keep talking.
Can I just say my heart has been pounding with rage since I read some ass out there had the audacity to even suggest Jed didn't actually ask you to marry him! Honestly, sometimes people are so disappointing and insensitive it makes me want to run my head into the wall.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you. Not just for your situation, but for how desperate it would feel to have others scoff at your pain, or expressions of it, because of their perceived ideas of how "close" the two of you were. As if you're some masochist who is making this all up because it's fun to get attention this way?! Oh my hell! ANYONE worth knowing cares ONLY about how you are doing, and how to ease your pain. I hate that whoever it was that doubted you even exists in your world.
As for his family not being "in the know" about the two of you... honestly, what men out there gush and blabber about their love lives anyway? I was sitting across the dinner table from my husband's brother when we were first engaged and someone said something about me and he looked up and, I'm not kidding, said, "who's Vanessa?" I put my big, fat ENGAGEMENT ring on my middle finger and flipped him off. He had no idea we were serious... and apparently didn't know my name either. Anyway, I'm just saying I feel for you and also, a man's family's knowledge of the intimacies of your relationship doesn't mean anything. I hope you don't continue to feel hurt or frustrated in that regard.
I do know that "sympathy expiration date" feeling, and it's completely panicky. I felt it the week after my brother's funeral and it's only been a month now since he died and no one asks how I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I kick myself for putting on a brave face because people seem to have just been waiting for the chance to not have to deal with me anymore.
What's magical about blogging is you can say the things that are too exhausting to express in person over and over and you don't have to worry about that "oh man, I shouldn't have asked" face some idiots get. Those who are genuinely concerned and want to lift you, and are in the state of mind to do so, can do it here on their own time. It is wonderful. I feel bad for those who have had to grieve with only the unprepared, and sometimes insensitive, responses of people face to face. So if nothing else, keep writing.
Please don't apologize or cringe at yourself anymore. The things you write make people feel deeply, as you can prob tell as I, a stranger, want to bash in the faces of anyone who makes you feel badly or insecure about how you're dealing with all of this.
You'll have to forgive me, I felt so overwhelmed with all that I wanted to say to you as I read this post that my brain overloaded and I think I only got about half of what I was thinking out in this comment. And even so, it's all disjointed and ugly because I've been fighting my 18 month old off with one hand while typing with the other. I may be back to spew more once I get my bearings. :)
I cringe for you when I hear of some of the comments that have been said to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't like to talk about this (and I'm not trying to steal your thunder or have a "bigger or better story" of my own but I'm just trying to let you know I understand a little bit of what you are going through) but about seven years ago my best friend shot herself in the head. It was the worst experience I've ever gone through in my life but there were some really special/sweet moments that came from it as well. I learned from it that when you lose your best friend you never really "get over it" you kind of just learn how to live and go on with a big hole in your life. I get so angry when people say "get over it." Bunch of douches.
PS - I have never thought you were an "attention getting whore" and I love your writing. Thanks for putting it all out there in the blogsphere. It makes me feel more human to hear about someone else's life.
There is no statute of limitations on pain and grief. Don't you ever hold in your feelings over a lost loved one because you are afraid of what others think. It is not their life, not their pain and suffering, it is yours and yours only. You have the right to cry over Jed forever. I still have "Dead Dad Days" and it's been 3 years. I still cry when I see his picture or when I hear a story about him. I want to call him when I need a hug or when my computer needs fixing.
ReplyDeleteThose that love you and are your true friend will be here for your Jed moments for time and all eternity. That's what friends are for. If a friend ever tells you they can't show you compassion anymore because you've hit your limit then they aren't true friends. Keep pouring your heart and soul into your blog, people read it for a reason. If they stop reading it then they are idiots and not worth the blog space.
I've only left a comment once but I check your blog daily... Don't stop writing!
ReplyDeleteYou are often in my thoughts and I am so sorry that you have to deal with other people's perceptions of what was, is and will be acceptable as far as you and Jed's relationship.
Hang in there!
I never know what to say, so I don't comment enough. Know that I read your blog, I love what you say, my heart breaks for you, I wish that I had something profound to make you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you ever can get over someone that you love, and that was taken so tragically from you.
Loves. Sorry sounds lame. Write anytime, I'll read!
I love reading your blogs, honestly, I worry about you when you don't post for a while. What you write is real and I admire you for sharing with us all. I wish I knew you better, I wish I could say something, but having been through the death of someone I loved too, I know there are no words. But speaking for all of us blog fans, we love you dearly.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want to borrow my small furry dog for one night, let me know. He's a most excellent cuddler and knows how to make a person feel the love.
Yeah. I don't even know how to say how I'm feeling-which is big because I'm all into expressing myself well with words. And I can't do that right now. I feel too deeply for words.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how someone would take your grief and say it was somehow a means of getting attention. Your thoughts have always been genuine, in fact, the reason so many of us (even those of us who have never met you in "real" life) feel so much for you is BECAUSE your words are so genuine and void of attention getting tactics.
Please know there is no "expiration date" for my sympathy or willingness to read whatever it is you need to say.
You are a good woman. The kind of woman that is hard to find and easy to aspire to become.
You are in my prayers.
You know what, Red Pen? I should probably think it's weird that I think about you every now and again, hoping that you're doing ok. But I don't-especially because I know I'm one of many secret e-besties. Occassionally I start sentences in my mind like this: "And please bless the Little Red Pen..." (I don't know your real name so I have to say The Little Red Pen). I think He knows who I mean though. Just thought you might like to know that.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is sure I'm neurotic or something because I read your blog regularly and I don't know you, but I feel like I do. If I saw you at the mall or something I would have to remember not to walk right up to you and immediately embrace you. I still can't believe he is gone. My high school memories of him...his laugh, his smile, how nice he was, how genuine... my heart breaks for all he left behind, especially you. But then I get to go back to my life and I think about how it IS your life and I just want to cry for you. You cross my mind often, and I truly hope that you have moments of peace. Heartache totally sucks b/c there is no medication that can heal it. Just time, a lot of time. There is NO expiration on grief. You are allowed to grieve and be real on your own blog or anywhere else. You lost your FIANCE...and yes I think you should call him that without reservation. We all expect you to be all torn up and raw. Anyone who thinks you are "whoring for attention" has zero compassion and should be B&#@* slapped. I would gladly do it for you. Judging from all these comments, many from "strangers", me included, we all care about you and are here to listen. We are all sending our love and prayers to you. Please don't ever think you need to apologize for being real.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how anyone (even you) could think that you are attention whoring. I just don't. You have gone through this hugely traumatic thing. And so this method of mourning isn't traditional, so what? One of the worst parts of mourning is the loneliness, like you said.
ReplyDeleteYou do feel isolated, you do feel like maybe you shouldn't still be struggling five months later. But five months later, like you said, is just when you start to realize everything.
Don't shut down. Don't Stop writing. Not to be a doomsayer, but everything got a lot harder for me at the year mark. And part of the reason was that I had stopped talking about it. And I didn't feel like I could bring it up anymore. I am here to tell you that I do not want you to stop writing about this. My good will has no bounds. Please talk this through.
I will personally take on anyone who doubts you. Send them my way.
You have a whole bunch of people here you love you very much.
As always, that picture is just radiant.
just so you know, i'm rooting for you. and i'll e-support you in whatever you feel like saying/not saying on the internet.
ReplyDeleteand you're still hot!
Hiya Kir. Refer to him as Fiance. Refer to him as ReBF (which I LOVE, says so much in 4 letters, illustrates the gift of your writing). Refer to him as JED the love of your life. He was, he is, and what you had, was a legit and real as anything ever between two people. Screw the rest of 'em. You have a stalking community out here who would go punch anyone in the nose for you. Anyone. You just nod your head and point, and I'll thrown the first punch.
ReplyDeleteThere is no time limit. Like another post, I worry about you when you don't post. If you get tired of talking about him, just post one of your amazing photos. I take comfort that you are a shutterbug and have such great documentation of your time together.
Like others, you are in my thoughts and my prayers all the time. I know peace of heart will be a long time coming, but I pray it for you.
You know the verb "keening"? I think your blog is as far away from attention whoring as possible. I think it is more of a cyberspace keening, from the bottom of your soul. Big difference ... Huge (as Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman).
Giant hugs from cyberspace.
Stalker Friend.