I went to visit my reboyfriend, his brother and their dad.
You could say it was bittersweet. My love for him made everything endearing to me. The little stamp in the grass (no headstones yet)...the square mat of sod that they draped back over the dirt...all of it is cute. Everything about him, I adore it. I pitched paper planes on pickets into the ground, with love notes written inside.
Rbf and his brother are side by side, at their dad's feet. His family's burial plots were in pairs - except for his. Rbf lies alone at the end of the line, with nobody beside him. I couldn't get that image from my mind as I drove home alone.
But I made it there.
And I was a little less pouty than the last time I was there.
Sorry, that's not really funny. It was just a funny face. I really didn't look like that the whole time. Really. Catatonic zombies don't pout.
As is my standard, I'll swing over to my next post on an extremist pendulum. Given the depressing-o-meter rating of this one, it looks like you're in for some kittens wearing tutus nestled in ice-cream scoops.
I didn't find that depressing if I'm being honest. I still just think everything you do in this long, long journey is what needs to be done. I think you are doing it the right way, at the right time, and feeling the right feelings the whole time.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wouldn't worry too much about Rbf having an empty spot next to him -- you and he both know he is not alone, and things will work out just fine in the long run. I really believe that.
OH Kirsten, I pulled up this post and saw the picture of you sitting by his grave and my breathe caught in my throat. I am just so sorry. I have never lost anyone really close to me. I just can't imagine how hard this is for you. Let me know if you ever want to hit a late night or just talk.
ReplyDeleteI think you are so strong and amazing. I read your blog and have never commented but you are such a strength to me! I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I cant even imagine. My prayers are with you!
ReplyDeleteI always find some peace and comfort when I visit the graves of people I love.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot about the man who got stuck in the Nutty Putty and how that will be his final resting place. I feel so much for his wife.
I'm glad you find peace in visiting him. It's nice to be able to feel close. I like your little planes. That's a really nice idea.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad he's close enough to visit. Some days I dream about escaping where I live and moving across the country, but then I realize I couldn't visit the ones I love who have died. Is it wrong I think about where they are buried all the time? Because I do.
ReplyDeleteI never realized how important that is until recently.
This post made me cry, a bittersweet cry.. I think you are so so beautiful-inside and out!!! I wish I could take away your pain so much! You are an amazing person, you are in my constant prayers. Like I have said before if you ever are in need of some chocolate peanut butter cake let me know! ;) Love you girl!
ReplyDeletehi, im a best friend of sydney smith densely, who is from rupert and just posted about running in the turkey trot for your fiance and his family. im so sorry to hear about that, those are the horror stories that you really hope and think never actually happen to you. why do you call him ReBF? haha just curious! but you are beautiful and im sorry to hear about your loss. i will pray for you and your family and his family. and your blog is not depressing, it is inspiring and fun
ReplyDelete! love, brittany
Hi Kirsten...still reading your blog. I just can't get over how incredibly hard this must be for you. When I read your blog I always have a giant lump in my throat. The picture of you at the cemetery totally breaks my heart. You really do have amazing strength and grace.
ReplyDeleteNicole - I needed to hear that. Because it was really eating at me!
ReplyDeleteNat - I will call you soon.
Manda - Thank you for the comment. Keep talking, I love to hear from you!
KPuls - Ditto to that. Can't shake it.
Teresa - Thanks! He would have really loved it.
Katie - really, it's so weird how much that means, and how strange it is to just go put their body somewhere and then drive off to another state. I still think about buying the plot next to his. Can't hurt.
Jaime - I'm glad that I'm leaving this note for you AFTER I've had the cake. PS It was amazing!!!
Brittany - Welcome! I'm flattered that you read the blog. I was floored by the Turkey Trot and how incredible of a support the community has been to Regina. We were just talking about this year's turkey trot with Jed and his mom and they were explaining it to me. It's eery how not one of us in that room could have never known how different everything was about to get. THank you for commenting!
April - thank you for your sweet words. I'm so thrilled that you read my thoughts and feelings. I still can't believe sometimes that others might find it worth reading. You are awesome. THANKS YOU GUYS!