I know I've had more great love than most people could come close to even thinking up in their lifetimes. Stephenie Meyer and Jane Austen don't have a clue. I know life's not fair. And I know I'm so tired of feeling like this. If you haven't guessed, this is going to be one of those posts where I am serious and heavy and I write here instead of my journal, and break my promise to you that I was going to start keeping it light (and I am glad you protested, because I was going to explode). If you're looking for something funny, Maddox and Wonkette are linked in my sidebar. Knock yourself out.
I believe...so few things. And the things I believe are bizarre. I didn't believe them before August 10th, so I think I'm entitled (well, no, indebted) to believe them now. Because if I didn't, it would be ungrateful and blind. Not to sound like that Vanity Fair/Vogue/Whatever article where Jessica Simpson talked about spirituality through butterflies, or that unfortunate post-homo-Anne-Heche-speaking-in-tongues-to-aliens spectacle...but I really think dreams are this place you go when your body is at rest - and that you can run into each other there like you can at Smith's (I'm serious, Anne Heche did an interview where she made gibberish sounds on camera speaking in a magical language). I'm not a freak. And in dreams, sometimes we imagine people, and sometimes we run into the real them...and usually don't know the difference. And most often, I doubt we remember it happening once we wake up.
I also believe in sad, weird things I probably WISH were true without having any reason to think they are. Like how sometimes a song, or a conference talk, or a conversation someone else is having...will burst into your attention at the right time, and it feels so oddly and peculiarly like someone shoved it into your mind. I know this. I am certain that it has nothing to do with my ability or efforts to focus or pay attention. It happens on its own, and it's conducted by something external to me.
Here and there, I hear songs on the radio or things I just have to turn on because they're not associated with any memory of have of Rbf, and therefore do not leave me a raw, broken down mess with creaking head bones. I had to do this when I got divorced - and it left me with no good music, so I was reduced to a lot of Taylor Swift and Lady Gag, because everything respectable reminded me of my husband. Now, Taylor Swift reminds me of the days I was falling back in love with Rbf.
These new, comfortingly unfamiliar, random songs usually just create background noise, but once in awhile, lyrics will jump through the haze--the haze of me tolerating consciousness--and pierce my thoughts. Like, rudely interrupt them...and say something to me that, I swear on my blog, I believe is almost coming from Rbf. (And my soul mixes with butterflies and glitter and unicorns and shakra and mystical chi topped with rainbows and tasting like bonkers candy!) I know, I know, I am losing it.
It's not like I think Rbf takes time out of whatever his soul is doing, to go down to Clear Channel and mess with airwaves so that Jay Sean can tell me "there's no need to worry." It's not that. It's just the information that comes my way at the times my mind tunes into it.
I turned my Zune to a random song a while ago, probably thinking about real estate or how to fix the html on this damn blog...and the song suddenly made me grip my steering wheel and freeze.
Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else? And I in time will come around. I always do, for you.
It was just mainstream old John Mayer (hey, HE didn't mind when Jessica Simpson talked about sparkles and God and flying leprechauns, probably because she has big jugs - which I don't, so maybe you have to expect more sophistication from me. If so, sorry Charlie). But I thought, if I died, I'd freak out worrying that my sweetheart wouldn't wait for me. Rbf and I have a history of waiting for one another, and returning for one another, and so on. I'd just worry that this time, he wouldn't wait.
It made me feel bad for him a little bit. I know that's not how it works. But in my sad, warped, A-bomb-leveled mind...it makes a little bit of sense. Does he worry I don't want him anymore because he's in a different form? Does he worry that I will stop loving him because he's not himself right now? He shouldn't. I love him the same, if not more, and I sure as hell trust him without question. You and I can agree, there are no drunk Monster Girls in heaven. (Book title?)
I have had a "didn't expect to run into you here" moment, in a few dreams in my lifetime. I LOVE when it happens. It tells me there's something more than this. And that almost makes up for the drained, horrified, breathless, trampled-heart, sunken-stomach, kicked-in-face feeling I get when I hear the Pride & Prejudice soundtrack, or smell our old backrub lotion (Love Spell...cheesy, I know), or see the preview for that new Amelia Earhart movie. (Seriously? Right now? Hey, show that part again where the plane crashes into the ground, the sight feels so good on my cried-out bloodshot eyeballs, you Hollywood dickwads). And the moment's over.
In my defense, he really was on his best behavior...and I really think I've always been his saving grace. There are so very few things that I believe...but that much I do.
Sorry for all the ellipses. And for the sap. Do we need a Moses story to lighten the mood?
My dog Moses chews and eats everything in sight. Everything. He ate SH's glasses and three seasons of Six Feet Under. If you put bitter polish (from the petstore) on things to deter him, it just makes him like it more. He's such a goat. That's all. Watch some 30 Rock, and thanks for reading my diary.
Kir- Please don't mis-represent. Your jugs are huge.
ReplyDeleteOk, but seriously. I firmly believe in my "everyday" state of mind- that we totally hear and tune in at the right time, guided by higher powers. Music and literature and sometimes even commercials can have moments of truth. And sometimes that is the only way we are going to hear certain truths or feel certain comforts. I think it is why there is so much beauty and loveliness in otherwise low places. Why can't a line from a rap song soothe you or speak a small truth?
To quote a cheesy line from a cheesy song that really helped me through a dark time: "Got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight." See. How lame, yet it totally spoke to me. Hang in there cutie. Big jugged cutie.
I totally believe that running into things at the right time happens because you need it. And yet, I scoff at people who talk about fatalism. Clearly I have some cognitive dissonance.
ReplyDeleteAlso I may be going to hell, because occasionally when I play testimony meeting bingo I put fatalistic comments like, "I know I was meant to be here" in one of my bingo boxes. Yup, hell. The burn-y kind.
Anywhoo...That being said, I firmly believe that Rilo Kiley save my life. My friend forced me to listen to them (also Jenny Lewis) and their neo-hip lyrics made me laugh and cry and were pretty much like the best session of therapy in a time where I need a lot of therapy.
Also, is it creepy if I say that I run into you a lot in my dreams? Maybe it's because I worry about you a lot.
I totally agree with Marianne- she said everything I was feeling perfectly.
ReplyDeleteLyrics to songs or lines from books pop in my head at random times during random situations and end up being exactly what I needed right then. Or I will be reading something or listening to something and it just hits me.
The quote below is from Elder David Bednar. Ever since I heard this talk I always try and recognize when something is a tender mercy- I hope you continue to have many many many tender mercies in your life to help you through this.
"A loving Savior was sending me a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance through a hymn selected weeks previously. Some may count this experience as simply a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord's timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them"
I've been kind of a lurker, as I was very wary of commenting on someone else's journal entry (and you are right, this is very much a journal, and a good one at that.) But I thought really hard about how good I feel when my readers send me internet love. Comments make me happy. I hope this comment makes you happy :) Even though I don't have anything good to say. Um, hopefully you are touched by my comment explanation? Yeah...I didn't think so. It was worth a try. PS--You are a beautiful girl. All of your pictures, so lovely.
ReplyDeleteI have a testimony of your post and of all the comments so far.
ReplyDeletelove. love.
Na, you aren't crazy! I think it's very true.
ReplyDeleteIn my lowest of low times,(I forget just how low I've been in my life) I have had lots of help from who the hell knows where. I've had thoughts, voices and such pop into my head with messages I needed to hear. I think that people who were close to us HERE can play roles in our lives THERE, by nudging our consciousness. I think it feels like a nice, warm blanket when it happens.
By the way... I think your dog sounds delightful. His naughtiness reminds me of a little boy. Although, I don't know any little boys who eat DVD's. Six Feet Under was awesome, hu? I miss having a new episode to watch.
I have and still have those kinds of dreams about my first love who died 7 years ago now. They feel so dang real and they are hard to understand sometimes... I thought I was the only one who ever had crazy dreams about lost loves.. Even though I am married, still miss and love him.
ReplyDeleteHold onto your hats, this is going to be long:
ReplyDeleteSo almost 4 years ago now my grandmother died totally unexpectedly and on her birthday. I know grandmothers are not in the same loss category as love of your life, but still, she and I were really, really close. She was the closest person I have lost in my life, and I still forget sometimes that she won't be there if I go to Idaho for a visit.
At that time, I was not at all active in the church and didn't know if I ever would be again. I didn't know if I believed any of it and was feeling just fine living life the "worldly" way.
And then she died. And it screwed me up, big time.
I took her perfume so I could smell her whenever I wanted to. I took her makeup because she had awesome taste in makeup (does YOUR grandmother use MAC? I rest my case). I saved scarves that smelled like her and laid on her side of the bed and cried.
I didn't know what I believed in, I didn't know how I felt about anything. From what you have written, I felt a lot of the same things you did/do (again, not with the same intensity, I'm sure).
But I swear to you, she showed up in my dreams those first few nights. And I know she was there when I thought I might die during mile 10 of my half marathon. And just last week at a totally random place and time, I said "Hi Grandma" out loud in my head as if I had just seen her in front of me, and my whole body was instantly covered in chills that nearly caused my legs to fail.
I don't know what causes her to "appear" or how many times I may have missed her, but to deny that I have felt her near me since she died would make me a big fat liar.
Keep laying it out there -- we get it and love you.
There is no doubt in my mind that if Jed can't come to you himself, he will send someone you would recognize as a messenger from him, someone like Grandpa Floyd, probably. I think God knows when we just can't go on without that little boost of knowing He is there, guiding things. He knows just how far He can push us before we will break and will never push us past that. But we will never know how strong we can be unless we are pushed.
ReplyDeleteIt's like the parable of the refiner's fire. I read a thing once, where a group of ladies studying the scriptures together wanted to better understand the parable, so they sent one of their number to see a silversmith. She asked about how the silver is refined, and it was by leaving it in the fire for a while. The heat caused the silver to melt and the impurities would float to the surface where they could be skimmed off. The smith said he must grip the instrument holding the silver tightly and watch it very very carefully, for if left too long, the silver would be ruined and the smith would be unable to work with it. And how, the lady asked, did the smith know when the refining process was finished? Simple, he said, it's perfect when I can see my face reflected in it. And so the point of the parable is that the fires of adversity remove our impurities, and when the Savior can see His face in ours, the refining process will be finished. Interestingly, silver can be recycled. Objects that have been made can be melted down and re-refined so that they can be shaped another way. So, I believe, it is with us. We may come to a point in our lives where we have been refined "enough" for the time we are in, but in the future, there may be more refining to do, and a new shape for our lives to take.
I went through some fire when I returned to the church after being completely inactive for many years. It refined me to a point where I could get by on the testimony I gained and get through various other adversities, but now I'm back in the fire. It doesn't always make the fire easier to walk through, but it is a great comfort KNOWING as I do at this point in my life that my Father in Heaven will only leave me in there just long enough, that He is watching me closely, and that it is His hands that are holding me while I am in the fire.
He's holding you, too, Kir.
I believe in the dreams, so much. I feel like my dreams are like a good friend leading me and teaching me the things I need to know. I feel like they only have my best interest at heart. I also really believe I am told the future in many cases.
ReplyDeleteI dreamed about my little boy about a year before he was born. He looked like he looks now. He was holding my hand and helping me be good. I dreamed about this baby in my belly the night before I had the ultrasound for the boy, 5 years ago. She looked like me as a child, with long brown hair.
I have dreamed so many, many things. I don't know what I am trying to say. But I do believe that Jed could and would come and see you in the way that he can now. Maybe he is holding your hand, and helping you too.
It's so interesting you would post this, because it's probably something I needed to read. Because I had a dream about my dad that has made me feel really down and weird and I don't know what to do to make the weird, sad feelings go away.
ReplyDeleteDreams, I don't understand them. I'll try to think of it as a good thing that I still have the dreams.
I agree with Marianne, your jugs are huge. Especially with how little you are... Anyway, just when I start thinking that I can read your posts and think that I won't get the feeling I got when you first wrote about what happened, you write something like this and it makes me cry for you all over again. I'm sure you feel the same way except it's from horrible to terrible horrible... I just want to hug your hurt away.
ReplyDeleteMarianne: Ok, they might be somewhat sizeable on good days. They're no JSimpsoBoobies but I've never gotten any complaints!
ReplyDeleteKatie, I'm copying your testimony bingo. Seriously, it makes you pay attention!!!
Lisa, so true. I have enjoyed many of them and try not to let them go unthanked.
Lorena: your comments are always awesome and make me smile, and particularly wish it were approprate to shove my phone in someone's face (reading the comment notification in my email through my phone) and let them see how gracious you are! But I don't.
Love: Love and more love.
Teresa: It's funny you should describe a nice warm blanket because that was one of the things I remember most about some of these experiences. It threw me that you described it that way!
Jaime, I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm also glad you understand the wonderful gift of dreams.
Nicole: I am going through something very similar and I'm trying so hard to figure it all out. And no, my grandmas do not wear MAC! That is awesome!
Pooh: I love that parable, it is beautiful and it totally describes how I feel. Sometimes I get nervous like I"m being left in the fire too long and I'm going to burn to the point where you can't see anything reflected in my face at all. It just requires trust and a willingness to watch for anyone, even Grandpa Floyd. (I love that guy!)
Makayla said: "I feel like my dreams are like a good friend leading me and teaching me the things I need to know. I feel like they only have my best interest at heart." I could not agree more wholeheartedly! If I really sit and think about what they say, I am told so many unbelievable things about myself. And when it hits me, it's like "duh!" I hope that I have dreams similar to yours with your kids - where I can see those I love who aren't with me right now.
Adventures: I have had some disturbing/haunting dreams too. They ruin my day until I realize that sometimes they are just coming from a layer of fear or pain somewhere deep down, and that it's just sprouting up to let itself out. Hopefully you can find some comfort there?
Wendolyn, you really are a source of comfort so often and seem to have the same thoughts and "wonders" that I do about these things. I know I'm never alone for that reason.
Because I have faith in the words of our Savior, I have faith that your face won't be burned by all of the terrible trials you've been called upon to bear. I just think that maybe yours will shine a little brighter than those around you. It already does, or you wouldn't have all of these strangers hanging on your every word...
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