Too bad I'm not kidding even a little bit. I bet you think I'm being cute or finding cheeky ways to show my gratitude for your support.
In conversations I have to stop myself from saying "I know, Lovestrong tells me I ...." or "Katie" or "Nicole" or the other fifteen of you personal (and quite skilled) personal therapists that come here to take me in and then leave their unique signatures of grace at the bottom. Your words are the pulse of my sanity.
Your comments - all of them - I need to respond. Not out of obligation or etiquette, but out of this overwhelming sense of closeness I have gotten with you. I freaking LOVE you guys and all the things you write on here.
As for my in-person friends: Your emails. Your calls. I have three or four of you that I need to call (those of you who live out of town) and two or three that I need to go to lunch with. BAD. You know who you are. You have left me a voicemail or a text or an email and I have not gotten back to you, to help myself to your love that is there for the taking. Probably some of my best friends on earth, I have a voicemail from mentally dog-eared to call back. It's the people I want to talk to the most.
My handful of closest girlfriends are the ones I have seen the least of (or not at all) since the accident that changed my life, world, and blog.
But I don't do it. Once I make the phone call or have that lunch - or come see you - that visit isn't out there waiting to happen anymore. As if I'm afraid you won't have phones after I call you. Or you won't have houses for me to visit after I drop by. Or Greek Souvlaki and every other eatery on the Wasatch Front will go out of business and we won't have food to bond over. It's a psych 1010 conundrum. Don't enjoy anything too much, don't seize anything worth seizing because when you do, it goes away forever.
For the hundredth time, this whole thing has made me so extremely psychotic, it's not even close to funny.
Well, maybe a little close.
But I am a little messed up. I write psycho PSYCHO emails to total strangers that might have known ReBF. I will not even hint about the disturbing things I've saved of his. I've always been weird and I have not hidden that from you here or in my previous life's blog.
That's really all. Oh PS this stream of consciousness has been tied together by nothing but text and punctuation. Sorry.
Kristina The Cyber Prom Queen once told me she can't really read superlong posts. We were at a blogger in-face meetup where our online clique physically went to Olive Garden. The look on my face made her quickly remind me that it's not MY blog she was talking about, but those big, verbose no-hard-return blocks of text she can't handle. OTHER people's long blogs. Phew! Even if she was just backpedaling, it still worked. I felt better. She said my "new paragraph" approach to various trains of thought makes mine the exception.
So,
That's what's with all the hard returns.
And stuff.
Why is this the biggest A.D.D. post ever? What was I even talking about before?
Oh yeah, that's right. The part about I love you guys.
Did I really say that? Haha! Actually, it's absolutely true. I have a REALLY hard time reading blogs with no paragraph breaks. I get serious ADD. And I know I'm not alone, because a lot of bloggers tell me the same thing.
ReplyDeleteBut I will have you know, I read all your posts. The entire thing. And you have actual paragraphs so it's not difficult. Now, if you want to add pictures in there, I wouldn't complain. :)
I still feel horrible that I wasn't able to spend more time with you that day. It sort of sucked. But it meant a lot to me that you and Michelle came. I still think of and keep you in my prayers, everyday.
Kirsten, I will keep praying for you sweetie! I love to read all of your posts. Where do you live by the way?
ReplyDeleteI was so, so happy to see my name in this post. Thanks. :)
ReplyDeleteThere will be no end to comments, lunches/dinners (if we ever do that again), facebook posts, and love.
It still trips me out that I can adore you so, so much.
(And yours are the only long posts I read too. The returns definitely help, but your writing is just really that good. It's compelling.)
Be as psycho as you need to be. Everyone understands, and when we understand, it's not psycho. See what I did there? Now you're normal.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I know I have said this before, but my biggest beef with how our culture grieves is thinking there is a "right" or "wrong" or "normal" way to do it. It just is what it is. Whatever it is for you, that's what it should be. Be easy on yourself. You'll find that balance you're looking for, I know it.
I went through so many phases, and then out of them and back into them again. Now things are more even for me, but you know what? Two days ago I cried on the public bus here in China because I wanted to talk to my dad. I just let that happen, no matter who was staring at me.
These moments happen. It's okay. Gradually they'll happen less often, but the memories will all still be there. Something about love makes them permanent. I don't understand how. You won't forget, because you love him.
Just so you know it is theraputic for me to read your blog. I am sure I am not alone when I say that so I am glad you are getting something back from the comments people leave.
ReplyDeleteI am super wordy when I blog/talk/IM/write letters/live
Again I am continually mindful of you in my prayers.(yeah I stole that from Moroni)
Kirsten, I love you and your long blog posts. Seriously, I hate when they end. I check every morning to see if you have posted and my day is complete when you do! Thanks for writing.
ReplyDeleteI think you are wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI understand the total lack of faith in the universe and that whole .. being terrified to savor anything good for fear it will just vanish. Your brain really messes you up, because it tries to protect you from another huge hit. It's like it just wants to stay level and not dive again so it tries to convince you not to climb. It's like mind over mind, which is hard. Which mind do you believe?
I sucks, but I think it's also normal and I think you are incredibly sane, because you are so aware of what is happening to you. You have this amazing ability to observe yourself in a way that keeps you in the drivers seat. You are steering a runaway car, but you know not to panic and even when you do a little, you know you are doing it. Eventually it will come to a stop, but until then, you are just holding on and riding it out. You have no idea how many people crash the car, mostly because they don't know they are driving.
I think this is why people say you are doing so well. It's not because you are fixed and better, but because you are so present in yourself and your pain and your healing. It is a remarkable trait to have and only special people have it.
You do get some great comments. Teresa's is absolutely wonderful this time. She is very observant and wise.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that Kristina said that because she is queen of long posts even if she does have paragraphs and pictures.
Who cares about long posts anyways. You should be writing for you and if people read and like it great. But you are a great writer so it just happens to be that I like it.
Anyways, friends are good things to have. I am working on being a better friend so that one day someone will give me the compliment like you have given yours.
You do have some incredibly wise commenters, (like Ms. Hobbs above), but you are incredibly wise yourself. I agree with Ms. Hobbs wholeheartedly.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like long posts, rambling and otherwise.
P.S. I'm lucky: Nicole is a personal friend. She really is as great IRL as she is here.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved back, which seems sort of weird to say since we've never, you know, met or anything. But hey, when you pour your guts out on your blog and let us experience your life with you, that creates some pretty strong feelings.
ReplyDeleteI too loved what Ms. Hobbs said -- she said what I was trying to say the other day, but in a way that makes a lot more sense. And that's why I love to read what you write, because when you describe an emotion I totally "get" what you are saying. I know how you feel, not in the sense that I have experienced the kinds of things you have experienced over the last year, but in that I know how YOU feel because you explain it so well.
Apparently I think that if I just keep typing out the same idea over and over again it will eventually make sense. I think I just blew it for the third time, so yeah -- what Ms. Hobbs said.
P.S. It's kind of my favorite thing when I have to scroll down more than once to read everything you wrote. And then I go back and re-read it again, so you're the one doing favors here.
After my grandma died last year (do I start ever comment like that?) I couldn't be parted from anyone. At all. And by anyone I mean my family.
ReplyDeleteI went tons of places that I had no desire to go. Just so that I wouldn't psychotically pace the house while they were gone.
Except that I couldn't bring myself to call my friends at all. And the whole time I felt guilty that I wasn't calling anyone back, or commenting on blogs, or even reading my email. Basically that I wasn't dragging myself out of bed to do stuff.
But restaurants will stick around. Friends will keep giving great advice And we will still adore you no matter how long you're sending psycho emails to near-strangers.
(PS We might, by which I mean totally, love you all the more for those emails.
Well I love you more than a fat kid loves cake!!!
ReplyDelete