The Grape Amp How-To Series: Dealing With Widows

Man I've been testy lately! Mostly with other people.

I felt this weird need to post on my blog a grand sweeping press release about My Decision (I love to cap strings of words for emphasis). It was going to be this big blogvom, where I threw it down, and was all serious and stern. Then I decided this was stupid, so I didn't. You're welcome. It's still saved as a draft so I can go back and re-read it and yell "yeah!" at the computer and chug my Grape Amp, and get all mad for no reason.

I'm hypersensitive and you're walking on eggshells (not YOU, I mean everyone else). I just can't believe the comments some people feel OK making to me. When this happens, it all comes vomming out! Case in point: this post. Put on your Snuggie cuz this is a big one. You can always tell when some moron makes a thoughtless comment to me. I stock up on Grape Amp and dominate lunch hour with my coworkers bitching about it. And blog about it.

The problem today: Me getting overly pissed off at people who think MAYBE I'm starting to thaw out in the warm glow of the Rising Sun Of The Dating Scene ( <---See? Caps!). I realize I have not made it clear. I'm not dating, right now at all. I'm not dating, and it's a long-term decision. I won't use the word "forever," but this is not temporary. The decision has nothing to do with it being "too soon" or me just "not being ready." The whole "when you're ready" addendum to everything everyone says, is a colossal waste of words, and I like words.

I also realize that having a crush on someone in my situation is not really the same thing as lusting after a 12 year old girl, but in my warped sense of reality, it might as well be. Pre-crash, I was flattered if someone flirted with me and just tried to be as gracious as possible when eschewing advances in my loyalty to the Reboyfriend. Post-accident advances make me want to throat punch people.

I realized the other day that one of my male acquaintances might have a little crush on me, and he's been waiting around innocently in the friend zone waiting for any signs that I'm maybe ready to date. Now, I could be wrong...but that's what's so irritating. It's one of those situations where you'd be an arrogant snob to suspect that he did, but you'd also be a naive, reckless tease to suspect that he didn't. And either way, you are the one that gets burned if you don't return his feelings. Which, obviously, I don't. Bonus Bitch Points if you go so far as to equate his feelings to that of a predatory asshole. Of course, it's not so far fetched to treat him like the kind of guy who chases 12-year-old girls since I totally act like one.

The truth about this guy is that I wouldn't have dated him before Rbf, and I wouldn't date him if I ever got OVER Rbf. I wouldn't date him if I he were the last guy on Earth. He's a fun friend, but that's it. I'm OK talking about it here, because neither this guy, nor his friends, reads my blog.

I guess what I should really acknowledge is that when I've said I'm not dating, I think some people have mentally added "yet." They've apparently interpreted the reason to be "It's too soon." Or "I'm not ready." Both of those reasons imply that my feelings are temporary. They're not. If I sense anyone hovering in the friend zone waiting for my availability-pulse to return, my disdain for them would emerge beyond pre- AND post-crash rage-records. I don't know how to handle this social situation, and it irritates me. So, naturally, I am irrationally avoiding all men now. My poor innocent guy friends, who are in no way interested in seeing me romantically, are probably wondering why I don't have the energy to deal with them and their maleness. It's getting to the point where I even avoid eye contact with gay guys. Seriously.

I guess what makes me so mad is that:

a.) How could you be romantically interested in someone you believe to be super vulnerable, someone you assume must be lonely? Doesn't that make you kind of a creep?
b.) Anyone looking at me in a romantic way is, in my admittedly-warped view, making lemonade out of Rbf's death. My future husband dying in a plane crash is not lemons. It is the runny diarrhea of Satan. You can't make lemonade out of demon-shit. If you think you can, then your punishment will be me making you shotgun a can of it when I figure out what you're up to.
c.) Your assumption that my off-market status is temporary, clearly shows that you don't know anything about how deep our relationship went or how sacred it was.

For example: Is it OK for me to say this to a newly married guy?

Me: Hello hot stuff!
Groom: I'm married.
Me: Whenever you're ready to start dating, let me know! I want you! You really shouldn't waste your hot years like this.
Groom: No thanks. I love my wife.
Me: But I doubt your feelings run THAT deep. Eventually you'll be really lonely and horny.
Groom: No I won't.
Me: Aww, you're so cute to actually think that.
Groom: No I'm not.
Me: Give it time.
Groom: My feelings for my wife won't fade.
Me: No, but your attraction will.
Groom: Your inappropriateness is astonishing.
Me: Not it's not, because studies show that there's an 80% chance that one of you will cheat at some point in the relationship! Most people do! Or they just get divorced. I'm trying to COMFORT you!
Groom: How is this OK? Like, that you are saying these things? And why is it that you're not the only one?
Me: You WILL fall in love with someone. Sure, it won't be the same as with your wife, but at some point you will get REALLY BORED. And you'll need to LET GO of this weird loyalty you have to her. She will be banging your mechanic, so she'd probably feel better about you banging someone too. Like maybe me.
Groom: Plenty of couples make it without those things happening.
Me: Yeah, but you're too hot not to. See how you can't be mad, because this is a compliment? Isn't this great?

I'm sorry I had to be so forward with the pretend hot groom, but I'm being honest, as your mentor in the art of Dealing With Widows. The above comments made to the hot groom, are variations of things that have literally been said out loud to me in attempts to comfort me in the past six months. Except the part about banging one's mechanic.

The only reason people believe these comments are OK, is that my spouse-to-be is dead, and the hot groom's wife is alive.

So in a way, doesn't that make it even meaner?

If your 7-year-old is overweight, she probably knows what "fat" is, but because it is the last thing that should be important to her, she doesn't see herself that way. She's just going through life trying not to trip or spill on her shirt. So which one of us logic-driven asswipes feels the need to point it out to her, just because we're so arrogant as to believe it's our job to inform her? And what if in 5 years, we end up wrong?

So how is it socially acceptable to tell a young widow that she'll eventually start dating? So what if she does? It's not OK to talk to her about it. (And those weren't actual questions, so please don't get all up in my comments and attempt to answer them.) And by the way, what is he supposed to say to that?

Like when I say "I love Reboyfriend, and I believe he's just around the corner. So while I'm here, I have a lot of living left to do, and dating/boys just don't have a place on that list. Dating is the farthest thing from my mind"...and someone feels the need to CORRECT ME..."Yeah, but you WILL feel differently someday, I promise..."

...What am I supposed to say to that?

"You're right! I probably will!" (Is dirty, people-pleasing lie)
"No I won't." (Is honest response, and I can feel the offender's I-know-better-and-you-are-so-naive omicience boring into my head)
"I guess I am just not able to see it that way." (Although this is my current, neutral partyline, it has a 100% success rate of inviting the offender to reiterate loudly and insistently that, in fact, I will be "letting go" someday).

I get that "dating" becomes a little more viable when your partner is dead rather than alive. I got it. But it comes down to the question of devotion. Doubting mine in your logical assessment of where most widows really do end up...is still doubting it.

When someone develops a crush on me, it doesn't flatter me - it angers me. When someone lovingly promises me that I'll remarry someday, it doesn't comfort me - it hurts me. It tells me that they clearly do not understand my pain, the depth of my loss, or the intensity of the love Jed and I shared. If they understood any of it, they'd just nod and tell me it's OK to have a long list of things to enjoy in life that doesn't have MEN on it. I wish people would just smile and tell me that's great, and supress their urge to correct me. I guess that's all I'm trying to articulate. Do I know for a fact that this person is wrong? Of course not. Do I believe with everything inside me that they're wrong? Absolutely. I'm not dating. I won't "eventually" be dating. If I "eventually" want to, I'll tell you. Get a crush on someone else. And I feel better now, so thanks for reading.

{Editor's note: this is not a passive-aggressive shout-out to anyone who has committed this social crime. Ironically, these unwitting offenses come from strangers or quasi-acquaintances...just so nobody feels bad. Apologies from anyone in the comments section or my email inbox will be quickly rejected, as you are not one of the people who did it. Pinky promise.}